Seinfeld’s Cosmo Kramer is one of the most iconic characters in sitcom history. Played brilliantly by Michael Richards, a master of physical comedy and pitch-perfect line delivery, Kramer is the epitome of the “wacky neighbor” trope.
He has an undetermined source of income, he’s constantly chasing up get-rich-quick schemes and failing miserably, he makes little pasta figurines out of his closest friends, and he uses butter to shave. Because he was cursed with “the kavorka”, Kramer enjoyed plenty of romantic flings over the course of nine seasons of Seinfeld. So, here are Kramer’s 5 Best (And 5 Worst) Love Interests.
10 Best: Marion
When Jerry was under investigation by a library detective named Bookman (played hysterically by Philip Baker Hall) due to an overdue book he’d apparently had in his possession since 1971, Kramer met a mild-mannered librarian named Marion. She enjoyed writing poetry, and Kramer enjoyed reading it.
They were really in love with each other, and what made it more exciting was the fact that Bookman didn’t approve of the relationship, so they were a pair of Romeo and Juliet-style star-crossed lovers. Unfortunately, the forbidden nature of their relationship became its downfall when Bookman caught wind of their romantic affair and put an end to it.
9 Worst: Toby
In the season 5 episode “The Fire,” Kramer proves he’s every bit the hero that George isn’t. While George charges through women and children to get out of a burning building, Kramer fights a mugger and hijacks a bus to get his girlfriend Toby’s pinky toe to her at the hospital.
Her toe was taken off by a street-sweeper after Jerry came to her office to heckle her, because she’d ruined an important show for him by booing and hissing. Her incessant bubbling positivity had started to get on Elaine’s nerves, and as the audience, it’s easy to see why.
8 Best: Emily
Played by guest star Sarah Silverman, Emily is most memorable for having “the jimmy legs.” This kept Kramer up at night, so he suggested not sleeping together for a while. Then, Morty Seinfeld did his exercises outside Kramer’s door and he feared that someone was trying to break into his apartment, so he opened himself up to sharing his bed again.
They eventually found a nice middle ground in having separate beds, inspired by Frank and Estelle Costanza’s sleeping arrangements (in their case, it’s because Estelle has “the jimmy arms”). Other than these sleeping-related problems, Kramer and Emily were a perfectly happy couple.
7 Worst: Connie
When Kramer was trying to sleep as little as Leonardo da Vinci did, he found that he got bored with all of his extra time pretty quickly. He also found that depriving himself of days’ worth of sleep didn’t have a great effect on his health. At the time, he was dating a woman named Connie. One night, when they were making out on her couch, he fell into such a deep sleep that she thought he was dead.
Instead of calling the police and getting a coroner involved like a normal person would, Connie called some mobster friends of hers to bag Kramer’s body and toss it in a river, without even confirming he was actually dead.
6 Best: Tina
Kramer had a great time with Tina, Elaine’s sometimes roommate. They liked to listen to tribal music and indulge their wildest desires. Kramer liked Tina so much that he made her a coffee table out of a windshield that he found lying on the side of the highway. Unfortunately, one night, as they turned off the lights and headed for the couch, they fell on the windshield, smashing it and causing gruesome injuries.
On the whole, Kramer and Tina were maybe a little too well-matched. They were both too out-there for their own good and they were both as clumsy and carefree as each other, making life hell for Elaine.
5 Worst: Wendy
From canceling an appointment with George to go skiing to dropping Elaine off with all her skiing equipment a few blocks from her building to avoid an awkward traffic situation, Wendy was one of the most selfish women that Kramer dated over the years.
Jerry and Elaine had hoped that the brutally honest Kramer would be able to talk Wendy into changing her old-fashioned hairdo. But unfortunately, when Kramer met her, he thought her hair was ravishing. It’s what attracted him to her. And she was taken with him, too, later asking Elaine if he was single. Their relationship never would’ve worked out.
4 Best: Olive
Both Kramer and Olive have simple needs in a relationship. In the case of their specific pairing, Kramer needed someone to scratch his back and Olive had long enough, sharp enough fingernails to do it. These two were happy to be in a relationship that was built entirely around back-scratching.
In the end, Kramer had to break it off with her, so he pretended to be dating the mannequin that looked like Elaine. When he went out to the car and put his arm around the mannequin to show Olive that they were a couple, he accidentally ripped the mannequin’s hand off.
3 Worst: Gail
Gail Cunningham is the worst. She grills Elaine about her shoes and then condescends to her for shopping at Botticelli. She initially dated Jerry, but she was unwilling to progress their relationship, so Jerry called it quits. When Kramer bumped into her on the street, he snubbed her as a favor to Jerry.
But this only endears Gail to Kramer, as she wants what she can’t have, and they end up going out. Gail is patronizing and self-obsessed, which is at odds with Kramer’s freewheeling “hipster doofus” lifestyle. They shouldn’t have worked out as a couple, and thankfully, they didn’t.
2 Best: Pam
Kramer has fallen head over heels in love a few times, but he’s never been more enraptured with a woman that he was with Pam. At first, she was Jerry’s girlfriend, but Jerry didn’t see a future with her and Kramer did. He said, “She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.”
He quoted an original Newman poem to her, which immediately caught her attention. Unfortunately for Kramer, when he tried to talk Jerry into breaking up with her, his proclamations of love and everything he finds amazing about Pam gave Jerry a whole new appreciation for her.
1 Worst: Lola
When Kramer talked George into parking his dad’s car in the handicapped spot at the mall, the car ended up getting trashed by angry protesters when a disabled woman was injured after being forced to park in one of the other spots. Kramer is so racked with guilt that he goes to the hospital to visit her and promptly falls in love with her.
He even offers to buy her a new wheelchair (although this one turns out to have faulty brakes, thanks to George’s well-documented stinginess). But she rejects him, simply because she doesn’t think he’s good-looking enough for her, and even tells him to drop dead.
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