Lock up your Santas and hide the crack cocaine, because It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns tonight for a 13th season that promises more violence, more drinking, and another new look for Mac.
The past 12 seasons of the show have seen the gang get into some pretty depraved situations - from faking cancer for attention, to unwittingly taking part in a liquor store robbery. So, ahead of whatever horrors season 13 will bring, we've compiled a list of the worst things the Always Sunny gang has done so far.
Related: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 13 Trailer Addresses Dennis' Absence
This isn't a complete list, of course, since the gang are really terrible people who have done a great deal of terrible things, many of which we probably don't even know about (we never did see what happened to "The Shusher," after all). However, these are our picks for the worst of the worst crimes from the last 12 seasons of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
- This Page: Kittens, A Dumpster Baby, & More
- Page 2: Kidnapping, Cannibalism, & More
- Page 3: Drowning A Child, The Death Of Dennis Jr., & More
Put Kittens Down A Well & Then Set The Well On Fire
Episode: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire" (3x08)
In this episode, Sweet Dee's desire to become famous despite having no talent collided with Frank, Mac and Charlie's efforts to create an exciting news reel. They came up with a plan to have Dee run into a burning building and save a box of kittens, but Dee messed this up by throwing the kittens violently out of the building. In a second attempt, the poor kitties were put down a well and Dee was sent down to rescue them - but again, the well was set on fire and, again, Dee threw the kittens. Fortunately the gang lost interest in the scheme before reaching the final stage (putting the kittens on a conveyor belt with a chopping mechanism at the end).
Sold Alcohol To Minors
Episode: "Underage Drinking: A National Concern" (1x03)
In this early episode, the gang was shocked to discover that Paddy's Pub had become the go-to watering hole for high schoolers (due to the fact that no one bothers to ask for ID). As a group, they decided to do the responsible thing and... continue to serve alcohol to the teenagers, watered down and with the prices jacked up. Not content with simply serving the kids in the bar, Mac and Charlie later delivered a keg to a high school party, and Charlie ended up getting invited to the prom. So did Dee and Dennis. Everyone did, except for Mac.
Painted A Baby With Shoe Polish
Episode: "The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby" (3x01)
Continuing the theme of the gang attempting to shape the youth of tomorrow, Mac and Dee briefly became the guardians of a a baby that they found in a dumpster, and decided to kick-start Dumpster Baby's career in modelling. After being told that the market was over-saturated with white babies, the pair naturally decided to make D.B. look Latino. After being rudely turned away from a tanning salon, where they had hoped to "cook him for a couple of minutes... just to get a base," Mac and Dee redoubled their brownface efforts and began painting D.B. with boot polish. Fortunately, child services stepped in at this point.
Related: Dennis Appears in Majority of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 13
Broke A Young Boxer's Neck
Episode: "Hundred Dollar Baby" (2x05)
Dee's simple wish to learn a bit of self-defense went off the rails after she unwisely took up Frank's offer to train her. What followed was a spiralling disaster of pill addiction, extreme aggression, and underground fight clubs that ultimately landed Dee in jail right before before her big match with rising star Brianna Thunderson, daughter of Frank's old nemesis Bobby Thunderson. Frank decided to fight Bobby in order to settle their old feud, but punched him before the bell - knocking him into Brianna and in turn knocking her over so that she landed neck-first on a stool. We never saw the aftermath of this episode, but it's safe to assume that Brianna's boxing days were over.
Broke Ruby Taft's Heart
Episode: "Charlie and Dee Find Love" (8x04)
Charlie Kelly is the perpetual underdog of It's Always Sunny - given the worst jobs in the bar and perpetually rejected by the waitress of his dreams. As such, it was pretty heartwarming when Charlie won the heart of beautiful billionaire heiress Ruby Taft, who liked him for who he was (terrible cheese breath and all). But then, in what was easily the most shockingly cruel display from Charlie in the series, he revealed that his plan all along had been to make the Waitress jealous. He broke Ruby's heart and humiliated her in front of her family and peers, and then cheerfully went off to receive his reward: a slightly relaxed restraining order.
Ran A Sweatshop
Episode: "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo" (3x05)
Frank Reynolds is an old hand at running sweatshops, so when he caught wind of the gang's dress-designing scheme, he quickly took over production. Together, Mac and Frank created an astonishingly hostile work environment - recruiting a team of Eastern European seamstresses to stitch the dresses together for less than minimum wage, training Charlie to beg for treats like a dog, installing a steam whistle in the sweatshop, and blasting German war propaganda at top volume. Even with the cheap labor, however, the sweatshop ended up operating at a loss when it turned out that no one was actually interested in buying the dresses.
Page 2: Kidnapping, Cannibalism, & More
Kidnapped A Family & Destroyed Their House
Episode: "The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition" (4x12)
Sometimes, the gang does the worst damage when they're trying to do something nice. In the search for some easy karma, the gang decided to help their nice Mexican neighbors, the Juarez family, by doing their own version of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. In order to surprise the lucky family, the gang broke into their house at night and blasted loud music while kidnapping them and dragging them from their home. Mac and Dee then proceeded to aggressively help the Juarez family assimilate to American culture, while Dennis and Charlie focused on the home makeover (funded by Mr. Juarez, who was coerced into signing up for massive amounts of credit card debt). In the end the home makeover got so extreme that it burned down the home, but things turned out OK for the Juarez family when Dee was forced to hand over her recently-inherited mansion to them.
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Kidnapped & Tortured a Leprechaun
Episode: "Charlie Catches a Leprechaun" (11x08)
Honestly, it's hard to say who committed the worse crime in this episode: Charlie, who finally fulfilled his dream of catching a leprechaun and proceeded to torture the poor leprechaun for information; or Frank, Dee and Dennis, who came up with a St. Paddy's Day business scheme that essentially boiled down to kidnapping people, driving them out of town, and stealing their phones and wallets. We'll give the edge to Charlie, however, for his extremely sinister torment of his captor, which involved waterboarding the leprechaun with a house and threatening to cut him open with a straight razor.
Kidnapped A Critic, His Neighbor, & His Cat
Episode: "Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia" (4x08)
The gang are historically not great at de-escalating bad situations, so when Charlie responded to a bad review of Paddy's Pub by kidnapping the reviewer and throwing him in the trunk of his car, things only got worse from there. While attempting to cover their tracks, Dee and Dennis accidentally broke into the critics' neighbor's apartment, so obviously they had to kidnap the neighbor. When the neighbor begged to be released so he could medicate his diabetic cat, they kidnapped the cat as well - but it turned out to be the wrong cat. Somehow the gang got out of this particular situation without being arrested, but there was an awful lot of kidnapping for one day.
Tried To Eat A Homeless Person
Episode: "Mac and Dennis: Manhunters" (4x01)
In an episode when Mac and Dennis decide they want to hunt man for sport, Dee and Charlie are more interested in hunting man for food. After being told by Frank that some meat they had eaten was human meat, the pair developed an insatiable hunger for human flesh and went about trying to satisfy their cannibalistic appetites. First they went to defile a couple of bodies in the morgue, but then they decided that the meat wasn't fresh enough, and went looking for live prey instead. Fortunately, the homeless man whom they lured back to Charlie's apartment escaped before being eaten, but attempted cannibalism is still pretty uncool.
Tricked Dennis & Dee Into Digging Up Their Mother's Corpse
Episode: "Charlie's Mom Has Cancer" (8x06)
This one was entirely Frank's doing, but it deserves a place on the list because of just how incredibly messed-up it was. It also, rather impressively, managed to put Dennis in touch with his feelings. Annoyed at being told he was "losing it" just because he kept losing track of his shoes, Frank set up an elaborate scheme to trick Dennis and Dee into thinking their mother had faked her death. The treasure trail eventually led to Mrs. Reynolds' grave, which Frank had convinced them was full of money. Actually, the only thing in the coffin was a rotting skeleton, and Frank got to celebrate scarring his children emotionally for the rest of their lives.
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Held A Fake Dead Baby Funeral
Episode: "Sweet Dee Gets Audited" (7x04)
It's safe to say that not one member of the Paddy's Pub gang is paying taxes - whether it's because they keep all their money in shady offshore accounts (Frank) or simply because they don't have any money (Charlie). However, Dee's plan to scam the government out of child support by claiming a fictional baby called Barnabas Reynolds as a dependent blew up in her face, resulting in an audit. To avoid getting caught out, the gang helped Dee stage a funeral for poor little Barney, but the illusion fell apart when the coffin was knocked over to reveal that it contained only a rotting dog corpse.
Trapped People In a Burning Apartment
Episode: "The Gang Squashes Their Beefs" (9x10)
This wasn't last time that Mac and Dennis' apartment caught fire, and the second time it happened someone actually died. However, the first fire wins a spot on the list because of the gang's approach to dealing with the problem. After Frank accidentally started a money fire by burning a month's rent in order to spite his landlord, the gang gave up on their efforts to squash their various beefs and simply locked their frenemies - including the McPoyle twins, Gail the Snail, and Bill Ponderosa - inside the burning apartment. Fortunately everyone escaped unscathed... well, except for poor Rickety Cricket (more on him later).
Page 3: Drowning A Child, The Death Of Dennis Jr., & More
Attacked Santa & Bit His Neck
Episode: "A Very Sunny Christmas" (6x13)
Following an unpleasant realization about the true nature of all the Santas who came to visit his mom at Christmas, Charlie suffered a bit of a psychotic break upon seeing a friendly mall Santa. After repeatedly asking the Santa if he had ever had relations with Mrs. Kelly, Charlie lost it completely and bit Santa on the neck, drawing a considerable amount of blood and causing a scene of absolute chaos. Still, at least it gave Charlie an opportunity to work through some things.
Held A Child At Gunpoint & Stole His Phone
Episode: "Gun Fever Too: Still Hot" (9x02)
To be fair to Charlie and Mac, they did set out with the intention of making schools safer for kids in this episode. Unfortunately, the road to mugging schoolchildren is paved with good intentions. After their antics at the school gates led to them being asked to leave, Mac and Charlie attempted to make the school safer by arming the children with homemade weapons and inviting them to try them out, but the results again left much to be desired. Nonetheless, we're pretty sure that everyone learned a valuable lesson about the importance of safety.
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Broke Dee
Episode: "The Gang Broke Dee" (9x01)
Season 9 got off to a great start with this slow-build of an episode, in which Dee finally breaks down from years of abuse and stops fighting back. What followed was one of the gang's most diabolical schemes - one that involved chartering a private jet, hiring a massive cast of extras, and apparently even recruiting Conan O'Brien. After Dee was tricked into believing that she was going to be a huge comedy star and was headed to Hollywood, the gang threw a big party to reveal that the whole thing was a hoax and her life is still empty and miserable. On the upside, it does at least manage to reignite Dee's rage.
Tricked A Stripper Into Giving His Own Daughter A Lap Dance
Episode: "PTSDee" (12x07)
Dee may bear the brunt of the abuse in the gang, but that doesn't mean she can't deal it out herself. In what might be Dee's cruellest "prank" of the series, she got her own back at a stripper who dared to describe sleeping with her as a low point in life by showing that it was, in fact, possible for him to sink even lower. Sweet Deandra Reynolds set up a special show, invited the stripper's estranged daughter, and dimmed the lights enough that he wouldn't release who he was grinding on until it was too late.
Killed And Cooked A Dog
Episode: "Mac And Dennis Move To The Suburbs" (11x05)
Poor Dennis Jr. wasn't long for this world. Bought as an olive branch when a move to the suburbs caused tensions to rise between Mac and Dennis, this adorable dog lived for only a short time in Mac's inattentive care before dying - presumably of starvation. Things got even darker, however, when Mac chopped the dead dog up into little pieces, cooked it in a mac and cheese mix, and fed it to Dennis to punish him for not being sympathetic enough.
Drowned a Child
Episode: "The Gang Goes To A Water Park" (12x02)
In Mac and Dee's defense, this death is partly on the hands of the water park's lifeguard (played by Game of Thrones showrunner D.B. Weiss), who decided he'd rather keep reading his Bottom's Up! magazine than save a drowning child. Still, the child wouldn't have been drowning in the first place if Mac and Dee - trapped in a water slide with a growing stack of children behind them, hadn't decided to send him down the slide despite the fact that he was passed out.
Destroyed Rickety Cricket's Life
Episode: Various/Ongoing
At the start of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Matthew "Rickety Cricket" Mara was an ordained priest who had very nearly managed to get over his high school crush on Sweet Dee. 12 seasons later, Rickety Cricket has had both his legs broken by the mafia, become addicted to drugs, suffered a deep throat wound as a result of being hit with a trash can by Frank, and had half of his face melted off after being locked in the aforementioned burning apartment. If you believe the story spun in "The Gang Broke the Liberty Bell," an eighteenth century Rickety Cricket also had his head blown off with a musket by Frank. The "street rat" still manages to keep his spirits up most of the time, but it's safe to say that his suffering at the hands of the gang isn't over yet.
More: How Dennis Will Return in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 13
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