The 1994 film The Santa Clause is the first in a trilogy of Christmas movies, following Scott Calvin, who inherits the title of Santa Claus after the former Santa falls off the roof and he puts on Santa's clothes. His inheritance of the title is an accident because Calvin misses the clause stating that he agrees to become Santa upon putting on the clothes.
All of the movies are festive family comedies and led by comedian Tim Allen. The genre and the comedic talents of Allen and the other cast members make for some hilarious moments throughout the movies. Here are the funniest quotes from the original Santa Clause.
Updated on January 7th, 2021 by Mark Birrell: The Santa Clause is one of those certifiable Disney classics that started out with a strong fanbase, which lead to the sequels. But it has really only increased in popularity over the decades, adding new fans with each passing Christmas as more and more people discover the movie for the first time. As new fans find new things to love about the movies, so too do old fans rediscover the timeless magic of the original movie. Accordingly, we've added an extra 5 quotes to our list of the funniest lines from the first Santa Clause movie.
15 "And that's not very ladylike!"
Scott is a pretty bad dad at the beginning of the movie and goes to some hilarious lengths in order to avoid his responsibilities as a parent.
Heading to be with his son on Christmas Eve after his office Chrsitmas party, Scott makes up and excuse about bad traffic as he drives on the completely empty roads. He goes so far as to create a fictional motorist who, according to Scott, gets more than a little rude in their interactions with him.
14 "Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?"
Scott is more than a little skeptical of the whole Santa arrangement going on at the North Pole when he arrives and, even after Bernard calmly explain everything to him in detail, the gravity of his situation hasn't sunk in yet.
Still fully stuck in his sardonic ways, Scott downplays everything as he's unaware of just how unavoidable his transformation into a jolly giftgiver is. But it results in one of his funniest lines.
13 "We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor..."
When called in to his son's school office to talk about their seemingly-unhealthy obsession with Santa and the Nortth Pole, Scott is asked what he did with his son around Christmas that could have resulted in the extremely festive behavior. Scott, still being far away from his warm Santa self seen at the end of the movie, responds to his mild interrogation with this great piece of sarcasm.
"We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shotguns, field dressed a cat, looked for women... I read him a book!"
12 "That is exactly why you want a high-quality fire extinguisher right in the kitchen."
Scott doesn't just come off as an emotionally neglectful father at the beginning of the story, but he also demonstrates that he can't do simple things, like cooking a family dinner for just him and his son, with much care or finesse.
After passing over a table of burnt food, the camera shows that Scott has set the main course completely on fire and is fighting the blaze with a fire extinguisher. It leads to a funny line but also a sad last-minute meal with fellow in-over-their-heads dads at Denny's.
11 "Where are you gonna get more sweaters after the circus pulls out of town?"
Scott makes his dislike of his ex-wife's partner, Neil, very well-known throughout a lot of the movie. He doesn't like Neil's personality or general approach and outlook towards things and after one of their many arguments about parenting, he goes straight for Neil's fashion sense too.
Neil's sweaters are pretty iconically 90s and have stuck with fans over the years, making them feel nostalgic for the time period, but this burn is undeniably solid.
10 "Topo Gigio."
During Scott Calvin's, now the fully-fledged Santa Claus, interrogation for the disappearance of his son Charlie, the detective asked him to say his old name, Scott Calvin, because he believes Calvin to be delusional. Instead of complying, Calvin says Kriss Kringle the first time he is asked. When asked a second time, he spouts off his name in other languages but ends with "Topo Gigio," which is not a name for Santa but an old Italian puppet television show from the '60s.
At this point, he was likely just saying these names to annoy the detective, which is hilarious. Also, the way he says "Topo Gigio" adds to the hilarity of the quote.
9 "It's Okay, I'm Used To It. I Lived Through The '60s."
Scott makes this remark after he first puts the suit on and grabs Santa's bag, causing him to float. He and his son Charlie are at first in shock at the magic unfolding but then Scott makes light of the situation by making this sarcastic remark.
Later in the film, Scott is revealed to be 38 years old, making him 37 a year earlier when he first puts on the suit. If the film took place around the year 1994, Scott would have been a child during the '60s, making this remark nothing but a joke about the drug habits associated with the '60s.
8 "If We Go Straight On This Road And We Hit I-94...?"
Scott and Charlie accidentally make the reindeer take off from their roof while they are still in the sleigh. When they first take off, they fly only a couple of feet above the ground and pass a van driver making newspaper deliveries.
The driver takes notice of the flying reindeer, the sleigh they are pulling, and the sleigh's passengers, and is too shocked to say anything. Instead of acknowledging the ridiculousness of their brief encounter, Scott starts to ask the driver for directions, even though he is likely familiar with the area but is cut off as the reindeer gain speed and the sleigh passes the van.
7 "Don't Forget the Fire Extinguisher"
Toward the beginning of the film, Scott puts Charlie to bed after reading him a story. Charlie asks Scott to put out milk and cookies for Santa, to which Scott replies that he'll preheat the oven. Since Scott had burned a turkey in the oven earlier that night and used a fire extinguisher to put out the fire, Charlie tells him not to forget it.
The fact that Charlie, a young child, made such a sarcastic comment to his dad is hilarious. What makes it even funnier is that Scott cannot come up with a witty response and instead just tells Charlie "good night."
6 "Thanks, But I'm Seeing Someone In Wrapping."
Judy the Elf brings Scott some hot cocoa to drink before going to bed when he first arrives at the North Pole. She tells him that it took her 1,200 years to perfect her recipe, to which Scott replies that she looks good for her age. Judy tells him that she is seeing someone in wrapping. Scott, who probably did not intend for what he said to be a line, is caught off guard by this because she looks like a child.
What's funny about the line is that Judy says it so matter-of-factly and that Scott likely was not aware of what he was implying and was just trying to make a bad joke.
5 "I Believe In Santa Claus. I'm Not A Baby."
Toward the beginning of the film, Charlie struggles with his belief in Santa, calling the belief babyish. Scott replies with the line that he believes in Santa and is not a baby because he wants to preserve his son's childhood innocence. Laura, Charlie's mom and Scott's ex-wife, replies to Scott, saying, "Well..."
The line that Scott says is not funny by itself. The fact that Laura wants to contradict his statement that he is not a baby is what makes Scott's line hilarious, especially after viewers watch Scott behave in ways that support Laura's, and not Scott's, opinion.
4 "Not As Good As My Wife's, But Let's Not Open Up That Wound."
Scott meets Bernard, the head elf, upon first arriving at the North Pole and thinks that Bernard wants to sue him for causing the former Santa to fall off his roof. Scott tells Bernard that he has a good attorney before adding that his wife has a better attorney. This side comment is about his and Laura's divorce, in which she had the upper hand, apparently thanks to her attorney.
This line is funny because even though enough time for Laura to date and remarry has passed, Scott is still unhappy with the proceedings. Let's face it, seeing a guy not getting his way is hilarious to watch.
3 "I Think That If We're Going To Destroy Our Son's Illusions, I Should Be Apart Of It."
This line is a joke for all the parents out there. Scott says this to Laura because she and her new husband Neal took it upon themselves to tell Charlie that Santa does not exist. Scott wants to preserve Charlie's childhood innocence, as mentioned before, and is disappointed that he was not clued in on such a big revelation for kids.
Parents especially will love this joke because they all had to make similar decisions involving Santa Claus and other fantastical beings such as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny and expose their children more to the real world in doing so.
2 "We Don't Drink Coffee."
When Scott and Charlie first arrive at the North Pole, Scott tries to find out who is in charge, and he finds an elf who is not helpful and says that Scott is in charge. Bernard approaches Scott and the elf, asking if the elf is on a coffee break. The elf replies that they don't drink coffee, and Bernard tells her that that means the break is over.
The whole exchange is hilarious because, in spite of the acknowledgment that elves do not drink coffee, Bernard maintains the coffee metaphor throughout the conversation.
1 "You Said You Were Lactose Intolerant."
The next year, when Santa makes his runs again, he runs into a little girl named Sarah, whom he had met the year before. When he drinks the milk she sets out for him, he comments that it's sour. The milk is revealed to be soy, which Sarah purposefully set out instead of cow milk, due to the fact that last year he had told her he was lactose intolerant.
The magic of Santa probably healed his lactose intolerance and gave him a taste for cow milk over soy. No matter what, though, his simultaneous disappointment and gratefulness at the fact that she remembered is hilarious.
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