Despite being one of the best sitcom dads of all time, there’s no doubt that That '70s Show’s Red Forman is also one of the scariest. A lifelong blue-collar worker and war veteran, it’s likely that Red’s years as a frontline combatant are what make him such a strict disciplinarian—but that doesn’t mean he’s without a sense of humor.
While That ‘70s Show’s central teens are given the majority of the show’s jokes, Red is quite possibly the funniest of them all, dishing out sharp, quick-witted takedowns of his son and his friends in almost every single episode. These are the best Red Forman quotes.
Updated on June 4th, 2021 by Kristen Palamara: That '70s Show has been off the air since 2006 and had countless memorable characters from the show about a group of high school students hanging out in 1970s Wisconsin. There was main character Eric Forman's nerdy yet sarcastic demeanor, Steven Hyde's cool and aloof personality, Donna Pinciotti's laid-back yet confident nature, and Michael Kelso's idiotic yet lovable nature. Eric's father, Red Forman, is arguably the most memorable character from his rough and tough demeanor and parented through fear and countless threats. Here are the best That '70s Show Red quotes.
15 “Eric, Didn’t I Tell You To Wash Up For Dinner? I Know, It’s Difficult To Hear With your Head Up Your Ass.”
Red is a difficult father to have as he very quickly and very easily gets angry for seemingly no reason sometimes. He treats his daughter Laurie well and rarely yells at her as he thinks that she has her life in order, even though she's struggling just as much if not more so than Eric is.
Red chooses to always use fear and force to parent Eric including just yelling at him to wash up for dinner and says he probably can't hear him since his head is up his rear, which is still admittedly a hilarious line and creative insult.
14 “Damn Kids Today. They Wouldn’t Know Responsibility If It Walked Up And Bit Them In The Ass.”
Red is a typical annoyed parent who hates the younger generation and in particular hates that Eric doesn't seem responsible at all, and his friends don't seem responsible at all either.
Red grew up in a different time and had to get a job at a young age and even fought in a war so it makes sense that he's frustrated by his son's more laid-back nature and he shows it in this quote generalizing all kids in the 1970s.
13 “I Wish I Had 2,000 Feet So I Could Put 500 Of Them In Each Of Your Asses.”
Red's favorite go-to threat is threatening anyone and everyone with him putting his foot up their behinds, and even though he says it all the time, it never gets old and it's because it's always a creative line about the same action.
In this quote, Red takes yet another creative approach to describing how he would put his foot in Eric and his friend's a**es.
12 "What Are You Going To Put On Your Resume - Dumbass?"
Yet again, Red takes a terrible approach to parenting Eric, but it is a pretty hilarious approach for a fictional father that always gets laughs from the audience.
Eric wants to try to get a job and even though Red should be proud of him for taking some initiative and responsibility, he instead says this line poking fun at him as usual pointing out how Eric doesn't have any type of work experience to add to a resume.
11 "Why Is Our House Always Infested With Kids?"
This quote from Red is a good point, Eric and his decent-sized group of friends are always hanging out at the Formans' house. Hyde and Jackie even lived with the Formans for a while due to some family issues.
Red isn't afraid to voice when he's unhappy with things, and he's usually unhappy with a lot of things, and this is a great example of that lovable yet tough personality he has as Kitty, who does make him happy, enjoys a house full of kids but he can't quite get on board.
10 “Yelling Is The Only Part Of Being A Father That I Enjoy!”
Something that fans of the show—as well as Eric himself—had likely long suspected by this point, Red’s reaction to the news of Eric and Donna’s engagement was right in line with his hot-headed parenting methods. While he’s ultimately a concerned father who doesn’t want his son to make terrible decisions, he certainly enjoys dressing his son down verbally when he needs to.
Although Red’s actions proved this well enough over the course of the show, it’s explicitly stated when Kitty attempts to stop him from yelling at Eric, to which Red responds “I’m sorry, Kitty, but yelling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy!”
9 “Responsible People Don’t Go Around Getting Their Nipples Twisted!”
It’s not an uncommon occurrence in That ‘70s Show for Red to lecture his son about being more responsible. While it usually comes off as a little harsh, however, he kind of has a point in the season one episode “Stolen Car."
After noticing a scratch on the Vista Cruiser, Red takes Eric’s car keys away, telling his son he’ll only return them once he learns some responsibility. Naturally, Eric protests and blames Kelso for the scratch since he was giving him a ‘purple-nurple’ at the time. Red hilariously responds with “responsible people don’t go around getting their nipples twisted!”
8 “It Might… I Just Had A Heart Attack!”
While references to Red’s high blood pressure and unhealthy eating habits were foreshadowed throughout That ‘70s Show, things came to a head in the show’s season five finale “Celebration Day” when Red suffers a heart attack.
In the following episode, Eric decides to put off going to college in order to look after his father, handing over his entire paycheck to his parents to help with the medical bills. When Kitty tells Red “it wouldn’t hurt you to thank him," a bitter Red brilliantly responds with “it might… I just had a heart attack!”
7 “When My Time Comes, I Want To Be Buried Face Down, So That Anybody That Doesn’t Like Me Can Kiss My Ass.”
In the season three episode “Who Wants it More?," Red Forman suffers a near-death experience following a gardening incident, prompting him to have a vision of his own funeral. After realizing that he hasn’t exactly been the warmest man on the planet, Red decides to change his ways and make an effort to be more approachable.
Fortunately, Red comes to his senses by the end of the episode, reverting to his usual, angry self, busting out this great quote as he does so.
6 “Without Our Government, You’d Be Stuck In Siberia Now, Sucking The Juice From A Rotten Commie Potato!”
Ever the patriot, Red’s time as a frontline combatant is likely one of the many reasons for his unwavering love of his country. With the decidedly anti-establishment Steven Hyde living under his roof, however, the two naturally butt heads on a lot of issues.
After Hyde bad-mouths the government, Red proclaims that "without our government, you’d be stuck in Siberia now, sucking the juice from a rotten commie potato!" before following up with "if the government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say 'thank you, and God bless America!'"
5 “You Morons Just Hung Vacancy Signs On Your Asses… And My Foot’s Looking For A Room!”
Red’s creative variations on his threats to kick Eric’s a** usually range from a little lame to outright hysterical depending on the line in question. Perhaps his funniest version of the joke, however, isn’t even aimed at his son, but at Hyde and Fez after he discovers they’ve been keeping a ‘stash’ in the basement.
What’s more, even Kitty has been indulging in said stash behind Red’s back, making his inventively framed threat seem a little more justified than usual.
4 “If I Was A Bird, I’d Fly Into The Ceiling.”
While sitcom parents often act as the show’s resident "fun sponges"—usually foiling the plans of its mischievous central teenagers at the end of each episode—it’s Red’s unique ability to suck the air out a room that makes his character so hilarious. Take for instance the Formans’ dinner party with Fez and his new girlfriend, Nina. Kitty poses some ice-breaking questions to the group, including "if you were a bird, where would you fly?"
Making his disdain for the entire event apparent, Red snarkily replies with "if I was a bird, I’d fly into the ceiling."
3 “Well, That’s Perfect, Eric. Use That Line When You’re Up For Miss America.”
When it’s announced that President Ford is visiting Eric’s high school in the season one episode “Streaking," Red plans on publicly announcing his displeasure at the leader’s outsourcing of jobs, which he blames for his own unfortunate employment situation.
When he asks Eric for his opinion on the matter, however, the ordinarily snarky teenager seems to clam up. Nervous about his impending plan to streak during the President’s visit and not wanting to start a fight with his father, Eric responds diplomatically, which Red hilariously chastises him for.
2 “That’s Your Brain Trying To Comprehend Its Own Stupidity.”
In the episode “Hyde’s Christmas Rager," Eric makes one of his most idiotic mistakes to date. After getting wasted at Hyde’s party, Eric returns home drunk and proceeds not only to mock Red—who is, unbeknownst to him, within earshot—but proceeds to throw up on his shoes afterward.
Surprisingly, Red doesn’t blow up to the degree you’d expect but yells at a hungover Eric the following morning. When Eric complains that his head hurts, Red tells him "that’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity."
1 “You Don’t Have Bad Luck. The Reason That Bad Things Happen To You Is Because You’re A Dumbass!”
While it may not be the most creative insult Red ever concocted on the show, there’s something so unapologetically real about this quote that it remains one of That ‘70s Show’s most hilarious jokes. After Eric kisses a friend of his sister’s during Thanksgiving, he decides to come clean to Donna, who naturally becomes furious with him.
Eric then complains to his father about his bad luck, an idea that Red quickly—and rightly—shoots down immediately.
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